Friday, May 13, 2022

The Announcement We’ve All Been Waiting for:

In an offseason chalk-full of discourse, dissent and disputes, dis-might be the most important discussion of them all. JERSEY NUMBERS BABY!

The Vikings have officially announced the newly assigned jersey numbers, inclusive of new players and returning players that…well…changed their minds.

While some fans are still grumbling about lack of depth at offensive line and others are dying on the ‘Is Kirk the Guy?’ hill, some of us are focusing on the things that matter. The numbers.

Some number pairings just feel right, ya know? I sat down and provided an in-depth breakdown of each number/player pairing. I’ll provide a rating and some important predictions based on the assignment.


S Lewis Cine #16

o   Grade: A or F

§  Here’s the deal. This could be really dope or this could be totally laughable depending solely on play. If Cine balls out, this couldn’t have been a better choice. If he’s a total bust – yikes. Absolutely no in between. I don’t make the rules.

CB Andrew Booth, Jr. #23

o   Grade: A-

§  Something real nice about a 23 running step for step with a wide out. This just feels right. HOF confirmed.

G Ed Ingram #67

o   Grade: A

§  It’s not sexy but it’s the right choice.

LB Brian Asamoah #33

o   Grade: D

§  D as in Don’t you Dare Disrespect Dalvin like this. If he steps foot onto the field wearing this number, we riot.

CB Akayleb Evans #21   

o   Grade: A

§  This one’s good.

DL Esezi Otomewo #90

o   Grade: A-

§  Can’t go wrong here. Will get 3 sacks this season in limited snaps.

RB Ty Chandler #32

o   Grade: B

§  Yep.

T Vederian Lowe #63

o   Grade: C-

§  This ain’t it, Vederian. I’d grade it lower if you didn’t have such a cool name. And you know what they say? Lowe man wins.

WR Jalen Nailor #83

o   Grade: B+

§  Nailor-ed it! This choice alone ensures he not only sees the field but will score more than once this year. TBD in what capacity.

TE Nick Muse #34

o   Grade: F-

§  Cut him immediately. Vomit emoji. No further explanation.



S Mike Brown #37

o   Grade: B

§  I don’t like it, but I’ll allow it. Camp body and practice squad project.

RB Bryant Koback #38

o   Grade: F

§  Koback to the equipment manager and try again. Camp casualty.

LB Luiji Vilain #43

o   Grade: D

§  See Vedarian Lowe line for explanation. Name is only saving grace here. "Hey Mario, that's-a pretty good!" No it ain’t Luigi… err… um *Luiji.

DT Tyarise Stevenson #51

o   Grade: A

§  You may think, “Nate you’re just biased because you played DL in middle school and wore 51.” You’re right.

LB Zach McCloud #59

o   Grade: B+

§  This one is good, nothing further.

C Josh Sokol #60

o   Grade: B+

§  The center position and the number 60 give me PB & J vibes. One was made for the other. So much potential. 10 year starter with another team.

WR Thomas Hennigan #89

o   Grade: A

§  There’s not much to say here. Good call, Thomas. Going all the way to 89 is edgy and I appreciate it. Special Teams contributor and future great husband.


Free Agent signings:

CB Nate Hairston #27

o   Grade: B

§  Neat. Will have at least one tackle in the preseason.

CB Chandon Sullivan #39

o   Grade: B+

§  This was risky. I think he pulls it off, but I’ve got my eye on you, Chandon.

LB Za'Darius Smith #55

o   Grade: A

§  Confirmed pro bowl season. 5+5=10 sacks (minimum).

LB Jordan Hicks #58

o   Grade: A-

§  Yep

G Chris Reed #62

o   Grade: B+

§  Yep

G/C Austin Schlottmann #65

o   Grade: B

§  Yes

OL Jesse Davis #73

o   Grade: B-

§  Fine.

DT Jullian Taylor #78

o   Grade: C-

§  Forever stained by Dakota Dozier.

TE Johnny Mundt #86

o   Grade: A-

§  Blocking tight end confirmed, but will have a few 40 yard receptions this season, somehow.

DT Harrison Phillips #97

o   Grade: A+

§  *Chef’s kiss*


Returning Players:

RB Alexander Mattison #2

o   Grade: A

§  Backfield full of single digit backs? Be still my beating heart. 2 steps and a cloud of dust.

CB Cameron Dantzler #3

o   Grade: B-

§  In essence, 3 backpedaling toe for toe against the best WRs in the league FEELS right but something about it being a tall lanky corner just feels..IDK.. middle school?

RB Dalvin Cook #4

o   Grade: A+

§  A return to single digits means opposing defense are “done 4” amirite? Will rush for 4K yards and 44 touchdowns. Stock^ to the moon.

P Jordan Berry #6

o   Grade: C-

§  BORING. If you’re a punter- go big, I need a choice that’s oozing with confidence. Berry you gotta go #1

QB Nate Stanley #12

o   Grade: B

§  This feels accurate but also icky. Something about the #12 just feels gross. *cough cough*

S Camryn Bynum #24

o   Grade: B+

§  Bynum seems like a weapon that Donatell is going to put anywhere on the field. 24 does this justice.

RB A.J. Rose, Jr. #31

o   Grade: C

§  Eh.

CB Parry Nickerson #35

o   Grade: D-

§  I thought we put an end to corners wearing #35 after Marcus Sherels (no disrespect to the Special Teams king). But let’s remove 35 as an option for anyone please, thanks.

FB Jake Bargas #36

o   Grade: A

§  This is a fullback’s number. Will lead the team in receptions during one preseason game. Also, most likely to be ranked in fortnite, for some reason.

G Wyatt Davis #52

o   Grade: C+

§  Big nope.

DT T.Y. McGill #76

o   Grade: B-

§  Lesser nope… but…has potential.

DE Patrick Jones II #91

o   Grade: A-

§  Mhmm. Several sacks. Will have a productive year.

DT Jaylen Twyman #93

o   Grade: A

§  An ode to Kevin Williams, Jaylen will pick up where the Williams wall left off.


Jersey numbers could mean nothing. They also could mean everything. I’m banking on the latter. And if Kwesi is as much of a numbers guys as indicated, he’ll take note of this very insightful and not at all arbitrary input. Of course these numbers are subject to change with roster cut-downs, etc. which may impact future rankings. We can look forward to a re-evaluation come September.

As always,


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